bloggity blog

Australia is like Melisandre’s snatch

I’m Australian. Like, as in, I was born here. Blood-nationality (if there even really is such a random notion) I’m like a slow-cooked stew. But that is not at all what I wanna talk about today. actually I don’t really wanna talk about anything. (But here we are …)

Why don’t I want to do anything?

Cause it is fucking hot here!

Australia is like sitting under Vulcan’s ballsack. (The Roman god of fire not the Trekkie kind)

Australia is like Mordor in the Summer time.

Australia is like Melisandre’s snatch.

Australia is like a giant  bowl of boiling chili. It is hot. Like “hot” hot. Like “fuck off” hot. Like “we have pulled all of our mattresses out into the only A/Ced room” hot. (See the heat is making me WAY more vulgar than I normally am.)

It was 47C here the other day. That is 117F…

If all you lovely Americans, having your snow storms up there, could please send some our way? I would super appreciate that.

Please and thank you.

That’s all I came here to say toady.

No life lessons.

No shiny pearls of fucking wisdom.

Just me bitching because I have to walk around in clothing and I can’t just get around topless like blokes can. And complaining that I am currently using antiperspirant in my bra as well as my armpits because boob sweat is a real problem and it’s super gross.

Now, I’m gonna leave you with that image and go pass out in the lounge room and day dream about winter.

PS Please feel free to tag me or send me picks of your snow. I just wanna look at and imagine I’m rolling around in it. Thanks

Love

Amberley

Oh and I will leave the google link for Hot Australia here because they were fucking hilarious and I couldn’t put them all here…

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bloggity blog

Fashionably late to the party

I never catch a fad when it is happening.

I swear.

Fandoms come and go and two years or more later I will stumble across them and be like “AH HA!” That’s what all those weirdos were going on about…

I only started watching My Little Pony.

I have just started listening/reading The Dark Tower series.

I just got Bitmoji and a FitBit.

And so on.

But I guess it doesn’t matter when you discover something new. What matters is that you keep discovering new things.

So go find something new for you and if you have any weird things you are currently fascinated by, please tell me about them in the comments.

Love

Amberley

bloggity blog, When I am empress

When I am empress – parenting

So, yesterday, I took my kids down to the hotel pool.

There were so many kids. And with kids there are parents.

Walking into the pool area, there were about twenty poolside chairs, most of which were taken up with people. Seven chairs were without butts but six had towels. I take the only free chair which happens to be the one farthest from the pool but with splash range of the festy-warm spa water.

One thing I want to put out there, I’m not big on the idea of communal anything. Hostels are my nightmare, food courts make me feel physically ill and public pools… double both of those.

Sitting far from my own kids, I am forced to be close to other peoples children.

Most kids are cool. Kids are like regular humans except tiny and insane. If adults acted the way children act, they would have a one-way holiday to nice padded room.

Sorry, I’m getting distracted… oh yeah! There was this one kid that was being a little bitch.

One child was the cutest little thing. Pig tails, chubby cheeks, all the cuteness. All she wanted to do was be friends with bitch-child.

Bitch-child had that look about her. I know, I know… she is just a child and I am being a bit of a cunt but if you have kids and have spent time at their school you probably know what I mean. If you don’t then maybe your kid is one of these bitch-children. Soz.

So, this cutie-pie just kept asking bitch-child “do you want to be my friend?”

Sweet, right?

Yeah, well, bitch-child would say “only if you turn the bubbles on for me.”

Cutie-pie would get out and just before she would press the button, bitch-child would say “if you put the bubbles on I won’t be your friend.”

This went on for too long. If one of my children had done this, it would have happened once and that’s it. Back upstairs.

And what did bitch-child’s mum do? Diddly fucking squat.

These children are our future adults. The ones who will be our nurses, doctors, checkout chicks, food makers, etc. Not teaching them basic manners and how to treat other humans is just setting our future up for failure.

I understand that tearing your eyes away from Facebook and putting down your phone and entering the real world to discipline your children may harsh your holiday buzz or whatever but, for fuck suck! If you are a parent, then parent!

But the mother was a bitch too! She was the one who had spread her pool shit out over the other six fucking chairs!

When I am empress, all of her kind will be drawn and quartered. Well, depending on breeding age. If they have not yet breed then they will be chemically castrated.

My people will both love me and fear me…

I will also give strict testing for general courtesy, etiquette, ninja skills, horse riding, and, of course grammar/punctuation.

Love

Amberley